• the way you ask for the "vac" (vacuum) each day, and then pretend that you're cleaning just like me. You move the chairs and floor rugs out of your way. You're very serious about this task.
• the way you wake up from your nap with sleep lines on your cheeks, your mismatched pj bottoms and bare feet and want to rock and snuggle with your blanket.
• the way you prefer for me to put you down for naps and Daddy to tuck you in at night.
• how you don't care what we're playing with, as long as we're doing it together.
• how much you love balloons. You delight in the simple things.
• how much you love (whip) cream and sprinkles.
• the way you sit quietly in your chair and get lost in your books.
• how you never run out of energy, loved to be chased and think it's pretty funny when someone pops out from behind a door at you.
• the way your hair and skin smell after a bath.
• that your favorite activities right now are building towers and making traffic jams with your cars.
• your courageous spirit. Oh, how fearless you are.
• your determination and independence.
• your sweetness and the way you shower me with hugs and kisses.
• how you prefer to be sitting in my lap or right next to me when we have a whole room to share.
• your patience as you wait in line at story time for stamps on your hands, not pushing to get to the front.
• they way you put your empty dish in the sink after a snack.
• how quickly you learn through music/song and your love for dancing and singing.
• how proud you are of your accomplishments, whether it's finishing your meal, singing along to a song or catching a ball.
• that we share butterfly kisses, all three of us, every night.
• how you have started to ask for one more kiss before bed.
• your fascination with diggers, fire trucks, police cars and other things that go.
• how you want to drive like Daddy and me, and are thrilled to shop with me at Food Lion where you can sit in a race car grocery cart.
• how sitting on the potty just means another place to read lots of books.
• the way you sing and chat when you first wake up, but not until you've pressed the belly of your seahorse to make him sing.
• how you squeal with delight when you are free to run, inside or out.
• how you love to help... unloading the dishwasher, putting clean clothes in the basket to be folded, sweeping the floors with your little broom... anything to be like a grown up.
• the way you like for Daddy to wrap your bath towel around you, tucking it in so that you can walk rather than be carried to get your pajamas on. You are so proud of the big boy you are becoming.
• how you like to tickle your nose on soft things... blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, doggy tails.
• that you still love to play peek-a-boo.
• how you are learning to say prayers.
• how sharp your memory is becoming. You can recall certain things when we go past or to places you have been before.
• how you are able to play independently while I cook or do some chores. I love to listen to you talk to yourself and the toys that you are playing with.
• how you grab my pots and pans while I'm cooking and pretend to cook on your play kitchen.
• how quickly you can take out all of your toys and scatter them everywhere.
• your focus when you color/create.
• the way you say "I love you".
• and how you name family members every day as if to ask where they are and when you will see them again.
  
  

I'm a type A person. I like lists. I like organization. I like order. I like clean and neat. I like having a plan. I like black and white and not the gray in between. I get enormous gratification and a sense of accomplishment when I cross things off of my to do list each day and, honestly, I tend to measure the productivity of my day by the number of things that have been scratched off. I work before I play; it's never the other way around.

 But ever since becoming a mama, I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself trying to balance my personality with all of the curve balls that motherhood throws my way. Motherhood is certainly not type A. It's not orderly. It's not neat. It's not a giant list of things to check off. It's messy. It's tough. It can be scary and even feel unnatural at times, stretching us mamas way out of our comfort zones. It seems to me that motherhood is all about figuring it out as you face each day. There's no playbook. There are no rules. There's no instruction manual. And that can be downright daunting, especially for us type A's. (All you mamas with many years under your belts, I can hear you giggling now!)


But if there's something that I'm learning quickly, it's that I have to be able to let go of what I considered to be a productive day before becoming a mama. I have to release what I want for the interest of what my child needs from me. I have to let go of feeling like I'm a failure when my to-do list just gets moved around the house and nothing gets crossed off for days. And I have to give myself more and more grace. When those photos I've taken sit on the camera for weeks, when that bathroom that needs cleaning just seems to get dirtier and dirtier, when the laundry is piling up as are the dishes in the sink - if I'm not careful, I can allow these things, and my lack of getting to them, to cripple me and whisper lies into my ears that somehow I start to believe. Your house is a mess. Your such a failure. You used to be able to keep up with your chores. You can't get a single creative project finished. And on and on and on.


The process of re-prioritizing is not easy for me. In fact, it's still a daily struggle. However, I'm never going to look back on my journey of motherhood and wish I had spent more time cleaning my house or figuring out the best system to organize the gazillion photos I have on my computer. I'm never going to wish I could have spent more time on DIY projects over being a mama who was intentional and involved and present. Sure, I wish I could spend more time on all of those things (and a whole lot more) but this season requires different of me. And that is tough. Really tough.

I just studied through the book of Hebrews with the She Reads Truth community. On day four, we discussed real rest and what that means if we're followers of Christ. Finding true rest in God does not come when I define myself by my ability to follow self-imposed rules and regulations. Finding true rest in God does not come by seeing my worth and value through trying harder and doing more to be good enough. Finding true rest in God comes when I believe that I am enough because of the work Christ did on my behalf. I live under His grace, His story and His redeeming love. Finding true rest in God comes when I believe that I am defined by and of worth and value because of who Christ says I am, and not the work of my hands.


The Christian culture is counter-intuitive to the society that we live in today.

The last are the first.

The least are the greatest.

The poor are the rich.

The same can be said for finding and entering into true rest. Deep, soul rest. The world around us encourages us to strive after more, bigger, better, richer, perfection. It's all about us and how much we can do and accumulate, for our own glory. But what if, instead, we strive to enter into that true rest that can only come from God, because we truly believe that we are not defined by what we do, but rather who we are in Christ? What if we said no to doing more and accumulating more and being the best because we believe that we are defined by God and that makes us more than enough, more than the work of our hands could ever mean? I don't know about you, but when I chase after doing more and accomplishing things on my to-do list, and don't get them all done, it's easy to define myself as a failure. And not only that, but chasing after my list of self-imposed rules and regulations makes me restless and even further away from being able to fix my eyes on Jesus. And, as a mama to a toddler who needs much of my attention and affection, trying harder to cross off the items on my to-do list and measuring my accomplishments by that is not going to help me enter into the rest that God offers.

I long to think more about what I am doing each day that matters rather than what I'm not doing each day that won't really matter in the end. While my laundry might not be done, while my house might need a good cleaning, while dishes might still be in the sink, or sitting clean in the dishwasher, I'm giving my child attention. I'm loving him. Hugging him. Kissing him. Holding him. Playing cars and trucks with him. Watching him. Learning him. Coloring with him. Feeding him. Teaching him. I'm doing eternal work, even if it hardly ever feels that way, because God has chosen me to be this little man's mama for this season, and that matters more than any project or task that I can ever accomplish.


Mamas? Does this sound like you too? Let's strive to enter into the rest that God offers us. He doesn't require that we are perfect or Pinterest-worthy. He doesn't care if we have a long to-do list that is hardly finished. His rest doesn't require anything from us other than our surrender and our abiding in Him, believing that we are worthy because we are His. Allow Him to refresh you, to pour His grace over you and remind you that you are enough because you are His. May we learn to walk in His grace, and to extend a little bit to ourselves, as we're in the throes of motherhood, guiding little hearts and minds towards Jesus.