• the way you ask for the "vac" (vacuum) each day, and then pretend that you're cleaning just like me. You move the chairs and floor rugs out of your way. You're very serious about this task.
• the way you wake up from your nap with sleep lines on your cheeks, your mismatched pj bottoms and bare feet and want to rock and snuggle with your blanket.
• the way you prefer for me to put you down for naps and Daddy to tuck you in at night.
• how you don't care what we're playing with, as long as we're doing it together.
• how much you love balloons. You delight in the simple things.
• how much you love (whip) cream and sprinkles.
• the way you sit quietly in your chair and get lost in your books.
• how you never run out of energy, loved to be chased and think it's pretty funny when someone pops out from behind a door at you.
• the way your hair and skin smell after a bath.
• that your favorite activities right now are building towers and making traffic jams with your cars.
• your courageous spirit. Oh, how fearless you are.
• your determination and independence.
• your sweetness and the way you shower me with hugs and kisses.
• how you prefer to be sitting in my lap or right next to me when we have a whole room to share.
• your patience as you wait in line at story time for stamps on your hands, not pushing to get to the front.
• they way you put your empty dish in the sink after a snack.
• how quickly you learn through music/song and your love for dancing and singing.
• how proud you are of your accomplishments, whether it's finishing your meal, singing along to a song or catching a ball.
• that we share butterfly kisses, all three of us, every night.
• how you have started to ask for one more kiss before bed.
• your fascination with diggers, fire trucks, police cars and other things that go.
• how you want to drive like Daddy and me, and are thrilled to shop with me at Food Lion where you can sit in a race car grocery cart.
• how sitting on the potty just means another place to read lots of books.
• the way you sing and chat when you first wake up, but not until you've pressed the belly of your seahorse to make him sing.
• how you squeal with delight when you are free to run, inside or out.
• how you love to help... unloading the dishwasher, putting clean clothes in the basket to be folded, sweeping the floors with your little broom... anything to be like a grown up.
• the way you like for Daddy to wrap your bath towel around you, tucking it in so that you can walk rather than be carried to get your pajamas on. You are so proud of the big boy you are becoming.
• how you like to tickle your nose on soft things... blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, doggy tails.
• that you still love to play peek-a-boo.
• how you are learning to say prayers.
• how sharp your memory is becoming. You can recall certain things when we go past or to places you have been before.
• how you are able to play independently while I cook or do some chores. I love to listen to you talk to yourself and the toys that you are playing with.
• how you grab my pots and pans while I'm cooking and pretend to cook on your play kitchen.
• how quickly you can take out all of your toys and scatter them everywhere.
• your focus when you color/create.
• the way you say "I love you".
• and how you name family members every day as if to ask where they are and when you will see them again.
  
  

I'm a type A person. I like lists. I like organization. I like order. I like clean and neat. I like having a plan. I like black and white and not the gray in between. I get enormous gratification and a sense of accomplishment when I cross things off of my to do list each day and, honestly, I tend to measure the productivity of my day by the number of things that have been scratched off. I work before I play; it's never the other way around.

 But ever since becoming a mama, I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself trying to balance my personality with all of the curve balls that motherhood throws my way. Motherhood is certainly not type A. It's not orderly. It's not neat. It's not a giant list of things to check off. It's messy. It's tough. It can be scary and even feel unnatural at times, stretching us mamas way out of our comfort zones. It seems to me that motherhood is all about figuring it out as you face each day. There's no playbook. There are no rules. There's no instruction manual. And that can be downright daunting, especially for us type A's. (All you mamas with many years under your belts, I can hear you giggling now!)


But if there's something that I'm learning quickly, it's that I have to be able to let go of what I considered to be a productive day before becoming a mama. I have to release what I want for the interest of what my child needs from me. I have to let go of feeling like I'm a failure when my to-do list just gets moved around the house and nothing gets crossed off for days. And I have to give myself more and more grace. When those photos I've taken sit on the camera for weeks, when that bathroom that needs cleaning just seems to get dirtier and dirtier, when the laundry is piling up as are the dishes in the sink - if I'm not careful, I can allow these things, and my lack of getting to them, to cripple me and whisper lies into my ears that somehow I start to believe. Your house is a mess. Your such a failure. You used to be able to keep up with your chores. You can't get a single creative project finished. And on and on and on.


The process of re-prioritizing is not easy for me. In fact, it's still a daily struggle. However, I'm never going to look back on my journey of motherhood and wish I had spent more time cleaning my house or figuring out the best system to organize the gazillion photos I have on my computer. I'm never going to wish I could have spent more time on DIY projects over being a mama who was intentional and involved and present. Sure, I wish I could spend more time on all of those things (and a whole lot more) but this season requires different of me. And that is tough. Really tough.

I just studied through the book of Hebrews with the She Reads Truth community. On day four, we discussed real rest and what that means if we're followers of Christ. Finding true rest in God does not come when I define myself by my ability to follow self-imposed rules and regulations. Finding true rest in God does not come by seeing my worth and value through trying harder and doing more to be good enough. Finding true rest in God comes when I believe that I am enough because of the work Christ did on my behalf. I live under His grace, His story and His redeeming love. Finding true rest in God comes when I believe that I am defined by and of worth and value because of who Christ says I am, and not the work of my hands.


The Christian culture is counter-intuitive to the society that we live in today.

The last are the first.

The least are the greatest.

The poor are the rich.

The same can be said for finding and entering into true rest. Deep, soul rest. The world around us encourages us to strive after more, bigger, better, richer, perfection. It's all about us and how much we can do and accumulate, for our own glory. But what if, instead, we strive to enter into that true rest that can only come from God, because we truly believe that we are not defined by what we do, but rather who we are in Christ? What if we said no to doing more and accumulating more and being the best because we believe that we are defined by God and that makes us more than enough, more than the work of our hands could ever mean? I don't know about you, but when I chase after doing more and accomplishing things on my to-do list, and don't get them all done, it's easy to define myself as a failure. And not only that, but chasing after my list of self-imposed rules and regulations makes me restless and even further away from being able to fix my eyes on Jesus. And, as a mama to a toddler who needs much of my attention and affection, trying harder to cross off the items on my to-do list and measuring my accomplishments by that is not going to help me enter into the rest that God offers.

I long to think more about what I am doing each day that matters rather than what I'm not doing each day that won't really matter in the end. While my laundry might not be done, while my house might need a good cleaning, while dishes might still be in the sink, or sitting clean in the dishwasher, I'm giving my child attention. I'm loving him. Hugging him. Kissing him. Holding him. Playing cars and trucks with him. Watching him. Learning him. Coloring with him. Feeding him. Teaching him. I'm doing eternal work, even if it hardly ever feels that way, because God has chosen me to be this little man's mama for this season, and that matters more than any project or task that I can ever accomplish.


Mamas? Does this sound like you too? Let's strive to enter into the rest that God offers us. He doesn't require that we are perfect or Pinterest-worthy. He doesn't care if we have a long to-do list that is hardly finished. His rest doesn't require anything from us other than our surrender and our abiding in Him, believing that we are worthy because we are His. Allow Him to refresh you, to pour His grace over you and remind you that you are enough because you are His. May we learn to walk in His grace, and to extend a little bit to ourselves, as we're in the throes of motherhood, guiding little hearts and minds towards Jesus.

Then, on Saturday, August 2, we had a small birthday party at our house with family and a couple of friends. The theme was race cars because Emmett is crazy about them. He loves all things with wheels, but race cars seem to have first place in his heart. It was a very cloudy day and eventually it poured rain, but Matt was able to get the outdoor cooking finished before the rain moved in. We enjoyed cupcakes and a whip cream buffet for dessert, and of course, more presents. Emmett definitely hit the jackpot and has not stopped playing with his new stuff!

For all things in life, we have a reason behind what we do. What is our motivation? Why are we doing this or that? What are the risks associated with our decisions and will it be worth it?

At our first core group meeting, we discussed the why behind the what. We know what we're doing. We're planting a church. But what about the motivation behind it? When things get tough, when exhaustion sets in, when the enemy attacks, what is it that will help us to press on and press through? Will our whys be significant enough to take on the risks associated with our what? Why did we say yes to planting a church, where, according to statistics, 80% of the people we'll spend the next five months with before we launch will end up leaving this body within the first two years?

That answer will vary from person to person, but for me, it came down to these two things:

1. Obedience

I want my life to be characterized by obedience to Christ. I want to go where He leads and do what He says. I want this to be the rule rather than the exception. I want the life that I live out to match what I think and feel on the inside, my hands and feet to match my head and my heart.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it - not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it - they will be blessed in what they do.
James 1:22-25

Jesus left us with a job to do. We are to make disciples, we are to share the Gospel, we are to love others and serve them too. So far, I can't say that I've done a great job with this. Jesus is coming again soon and, if I'm honest, I wouldn't be able to stand in front of Him able to say that I got the job done. But His grace gives me another chance and I'm not missing this one. I'm going to follow obediently, one step at a time.

2. To know Jesus and make Him known

Knowing Jesus isn't a one time thing. It doesn't just happen after I read the Bible or attend a Sunday service or love a family in need. Sure, all those things help me to know Him, but it doesn't end there. I'll never be done with knowing Him. Knowing Jesus is a process. It's a lifetime of learning, following, loving, serving, walking through the valleys and climbing the mountain tops. It's being desperate for God and it's becoming more like Jesus. Being a part of this core team is just one more step in my journey to know Jesus. It's in knowing Him that we find great rewards. It's in knowing Him that we can help others know Him. Jesus came for everyone. I don't want others to see our church; I want others to see our Jesus. I want others to know Him the way that I know Him. He's real and personal and grace-giving and merciful. He's humble and perfect and gentle and present. He provides and sustains and lifts up. He is peace and hope and strength and love. He is what you need Him to be.

So that's it. That's my motivation behind joining a team of other people to change the world for Jesus, starting with one small town named Clayton. This is what I'll come back to when the road gets rocky and I wonder how I got here, why I said yes and if it's worth it anymore so that I can press on and keep doing the work that God has invited me to do.

Our official decision to help start Generation Church only came last month, but the steps leading up to that have been falling into place for the last two years. It makes me stand in awe of God all over again. It's a story that only He could script and, as always, He's allowed me to see the pieces come together only after I've stepped out in faith. There's no way I could have known two years ago that we'd end up here. I couldn't think it up. I couldn't dream it up. But now that we've said yes, the pieces are coming together. I can look back and see how God was weaving our prayers, desires and pain for His glorious purpose.

Ever since Emmett was born, we've had a bit of a "dry" season in terms of serving and leading within our local church body. It was certainly a time of isolation for us. We stepped down from leading a small group to adjust to our new lives as parents. I don't doubt our decision to pull back, but I also didn't realize how difficult it would be for us to find our place again once we felt like we were treading above water in parenthood. No matter what we sought out, nothing seemed like it was the right "fit" for us. So, we did what we knew and that was show up on Sundays, faithfully tithe and spend time in prayer and the Word.



Week after week, it would be more of the same. No clarity. No vision. I'd spend time in the morning with Jesus and desperately beg Him to give me a place and a purpose and authentic community with others who were in the same season of life as us. I found an online community of women who spend time in the Word together daily and started studying along with them. I wanted so badly to be a part of something big and exciting and to wake up each day knowing I'm exactly where God wants me to be and that I'm spending my time loving others and pointing them towards Jesus. I spent a lot of time thinking about what this could practically look like in my life. Should I start another play group? Should I lead a book club for young mamas? Should I go back to serving with the students?

• Lord, use me!
• Abide, remain, hide in Him.
• We were not meant to go it alone.
• Am I making the most significant impact for the kingdom? (Thanks Jarret!)
• Love others, be the Church, live above reproach.
• God will restore, provide, fill up.
• Am I all in?
• Don't put a period where God puts a comma.
• Don't bail out before the breakthrough.
• You're small and steady acts of faithfulness are being used in big and beautiful ways in the kingdom of God.
• He takes the loose threads and weaves something beautiful.
• Look to Jesus.

Fast forward to the beginning of this summer when we found out that the new church plant was happening. We knew people who were leaving Journey to help, but that didn't sway us, as it shouldn't. Matt and I both assumed that the other wouldn't want to leave Journey. We just never really considered being part of the core group. It was never on our radar. I guess you could say we were waiting for something else, but we didn't know what that was. So, we carried on with the normal - show up, tithe, pray, read and we started the process to become small group leaders once again.

But one Sunday morning, as we were on our way home from Journey, we had an honest conversation about Generation Church. We learned that we were both willing to go. We learned that we both had been praying for something fresh and exciting to be a part of, something bigger than us (and we were also reminded how important it is to communicate with our spouse!). I remember telling my husband that I want to be part of something big, something that God is planning, something really exciting, something far beyond myself. Deep down I knew I'd have regrets if I missed this opportunity. My husband had always thought about being a part of a church plant and realized that he was putting limitations on how God could use him/us. To be honest, this wasn't at all what we pictured our next step to be, but it was what God was presenting to us, and we had the option to say yes or no. It was in that moment that we knew we'd be saying yes.


Looking back on my mornings with Jesus over the last two years, it's clear now that I was in a season of preparation. While, at the time, it appeared that my morning meetings were nothing more than just something a follower of Christ should do, Jesus was orchestrating it all together for His good and for this moment. That time was never in vain. I craved Him. I got to know Him. And He has proved faithful once again. The last two years have been about growing in Him, being faithful to abide and remain in Him, and to be in a place of desperation for Him, so that I would be able to say yes without hesitation for this exact moment. Remember those "big ideas" I listed above? I stand in awe at the work that God was doing, what He was prompting in me and what He was preparing me for. I wrote those down for a reason. He used them to teach me, form me, and remind me of who He is.

• God wants to use me. He invites me to be a part of His work, not mine.
• We find intimacy, clarity, vision and purpose when we remain, abide and hide in Him.
• God created us to live in community and He will be faithful to provide that for me. (I'm so excited to start from the ground up with Generation Church!)
• God is faithful to restore what was lost, provide what I need and fill up what was empty. He's giving me a new place and a new purpose. He's doing a new work in me, restoring me and filling me up so that He can use me to make Jesus famous.
• God wants all of me. I'm all in. There's no other way. God deserves my best and only my best.
• God is writing the story, not me. He may choose to unveil it in ways that I don't agree with or even like, but it's His call, not mine. This includes my time spent in the valley. Just when I think that valley will last forever, He shows up and keeps writing.
• God uses our small and steady acts of faithfulness to build His kingdom. God desires people who will say yes (and keep saying yes) to one thing at a time, no matter how small. Some of the godliest men and women in our world today had to start out with saying yes to the small things too.
• God takes the ugly and makes it beautiful. He brings beauty out of the ashes. He takes our dry seasons, our tough seasons, our valleys and He makes them new and purposeful and glorifying to Him. He makes all things new.
  
  

I'm not naive to think this will be easy. In fact, I believe it'll be one of the most challenging things we'll do. The Enemy will attack. We could experience doubts and frustrations. But one thing I know, is that getting to see God at work, getting to play a part, to be invited to have a role in His plan and watch from the front row is a far greater reward than all the risks. I'm so thankful that we didn't miss this. I'm so thankful that God didn't allow us to miss this and that He was faithful to open our eyes and hearts and minds to His invitation before it was too late. What a mighty God we serve.